Image: Weiyi Zhu / getty images
By Harry HillIf I had a dollar for every genuinely funny tweet that was tweeted, I’d probably reach billionaire status, a la Kylie.
Instead of money, we get laughter, which is arguably better than money. Just kidding. Unlike most of our bank accounts, though, funny tweets are bottomless.
We must warn you: laughter could occur from viewing these tweets. If you’re trying to remain stoic at your desk while pretending to work right now, these carefully selected gems might blow your cover.
1. Dog owners will get it.
2. Finally, an essay I can get behind wholeheartedly.
shakira’s “she wolf” is striking commentary on female sexuality in relation to the notion of the foucauldian “ubu”— when dissatisfied, shakira turns into a literal monster, a grotesque embodiment of power. in this essay i will
— billy (@billyjoebaldwin) March 6, 2019
3. For those who’ve wondered what Elon Musk would look like with a pixie cut:
SEE ALSO: Elon Musk and The Rock bonded over these cursed Photoshopped memes
4. It really does feel like spring is gonna flake on us.
Us: “Spring you still comin.?”
Spring: “Who all ova there.?”— Unkle Ky. (@TheyLuvKyron2) March 5, 2019
5. This old video of Taylor Swift’s reaction to being asked if she smokes weed is definitely a big fibbing-at-the-doctor’s-office mood.
6. Who can resist a baby saying something they definitely shouldn’t?
kids under 3 :
me : “say fuck you”
— he-men-uh (@cxrrea) March 5, 2019
7. If given a choice, I will always choose a 1995 hit single that is now only played ironically.
8. It’s “Nine in the Afternoon” somewhere, right?
oh jeez look at the time, it’s
12
11 ^ 1
10 | 2
9 in<- – ⊙ 3
the afternoon, 4
your eyes 5
are the 6
size of the moon— zander (@alezander) March 2, 2019
9. The Ashley vs. Ashleigh discrepancy thickens.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) March 6, 2019
10. As a first time viewer of this performance, it’s my civil duty to make sure everyone stops what they’re doing and watches it:
I am not kidding you when I tell you I think about this Jessica Simpson and Jewel “Who Will Save Your Soul?” performance daily. pic.twitter.com/IMl42fNmMy
— Matt Stopera (@mattstopera) March 5, 2019
11. Someone alert TurboTax of this new clause ASAP.
I should be able to claim the four people using my netflix account on my taxes
— francie (@indosilverclub) March 4, 2019
12. When Pizza Hut tries to be trendy on Twitter:
13. Lady Bird does her own stunts.
Lady Bird’s mom: “You should just go to city college. You’ll never get in anywhere with your work ethic.”
Lady Bird:
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— Max Grossman (@GrossmanMax) March 3, 2019
14. This story :*)
8 yrs ago, I was crying alone at a park. A dog ran up to me and nuzzled his snout at my knees. His owner was a handsome cardiologist that ended up dating me. But after 6 weeks, he said his life was “so crazy right now” and started dating an Equinox receptionist. This isn’t us. pic.twitter.com/iL7FhtjAr2
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) March 3, 2019
15. We can all relate.
Deleting my zero like posts as if I’m an affluent Victorian family locking their problematic child in the attic to save their status in society
— calista (@calistagif) March 4, 2019
16. Finally, a musical more relatable than Wicked.
‘why did i wear that’ the musical
— steph (@stephsstone) March 6, 2019
17. And no Twitter roundup is complete without a contribution from jaboukie:
i stared into the abyss and the abyss told me it wasnt looking for anything serious rn
— jaboukie (@jaboukie) March 4, 2019
OK, you can go back to whatever you were doing now. We just really needed you to see these tweets before they get swallowed by the twittersphere, never to invoke laughter, or at the very least, a reluctant exhale, ever again.
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