The 2019 MTV Movie & TV Awards are still a month away, but the party has already started. In addition to the full list of nominees (announced earlier this week), we officially have a host in Shazam!‘s Zachary Levi. But no party — or awards show for that matter — is complete without a soundtrack.
Lizzo, this month’s MTV PUSH artist, is having quite the 2019. In addition to releasing her new album, Cuz I Love You, in April, the singer/rapper/flute-playing diva just popped up on a summery collab track with Charli XCX. It’s a great time to be Lizzo — it’s an even better time to tune in to find out what she’ll do onstage.
Superstar Dutch DJ Garrix recently teamed up with Macklemore and Stump for the slippery, funky anthem “Summer Days,” and the 2019 MTV Movie & TV Awards stage will be the first place the trio ever assemble to perform it. You won’t want to miss this debut.
This year’s crop of nominees is a field full of faves. Avengers: Endgame, Game of Thrones, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg documentary RBG lead the nominations with four each, but that’s only the beginning. (See the full list right here.)
Wanna support your faves? Then you better get voting at vote.mtv.com and by direct messaging @MTVAwards on Twitter and Facebook Messenger. Don’t forget to tune into MTV Movie & TV Awards on Monday, June 17 at 9 p.m. ET/PT.
Technology moves quickly; sometimes it can feel hard to keep up. This series decodes the innovative hacks, smart home appliances, and gadgets that can help people live more efficiently.
Jules Suzdaltsev
Social media is driving us crazy, and for some, the best solution is to get rid of it altogether. But just how hard is it to erase your digital self?
May is National Masturbation Month, and we’re celebrating with Feeling Yourself, a series exploring the finer points of self-pleasure.
For too long, female pleasure was portrayed on-screen through the prism of the male gaze.
When it came to TV and movies, scenes portraying women masturbating were basically straight out of a male director’s sexual fantasy. More often than not, the woman would writhing around on her back and she’d usually begin moaning the moment her hand came into contact with her vulva. If only it were that easy.
Truth is: We don’t masturbate like that. We’re not always thrashing about on our back making loud fake orgasm noises. It’s usually pretty mundane and unglamorous. And we can get pretty creative with positions and props depending on how we’re feeling.
Thankfully, times are changing. TV and movie depictions of self-love sessions are becoming more realistic, more anatomically accurate, and much, much more relatable.
We’ve ranked some of the most iconic on-screen female masturbation moments for their realism and relatability.
Samantha’s priest fantasy in ‘Sex And The City’
Sex and the City’s Samantha Jones (Kim Cattrall) did a lot of good in smashing the stigma surrounding female sexuality. But, it needs to be said that some of the orgasm scenes were a tad melodramatic. In “The Agony and The Ex-tacy” Samantha meets a good looking priest who she quickly dubs “Friar Fuck” — only problem is, this friar won’t, uuuh, fulfil her fantasy. Samantha ends up masturbating about him, during which she breaks out into a full-on operatic orgasm. If only masturbating were actually that good.
Marnie’s bathroom break in ‘Girls’
In Season One of Girls, Marnie Michaels (Allison Williams) does something many of us have but dreamed of doing. She becomes so aroused after talking to bonafide arty douchebag Booth Jonathan that she has to go masturbate in the bathroom of an event space. “I want you to know, the first time I fuck you it might scare you a little because I’m a man and I know how to do things,” Booth says to Marnie. Soon after, Marnie locks herself in the loo, puts her hand down her tights and cracks one out while standing up. I mean, it’s a great idea in principle, but who among us has ever had great success masturbating in an upright position (not me!).
Betty Draper and the washing machine
In Season 1, episode 11 of Mad Men, we witness Betty Draper become overcome with horniness after meeting a good looking door-to-door salesman. After he asks to come inside to measure windows upstairs (we’ve heard that one before), she decides against it and instead asks him to leave. Once he’s left she begins fantasising about him and rubs herself up against the vibrating washing machine. Anyone who’s ever tried this move at home will know that it’s a nice idea in theory, pretty anti-climactic in practice.
The cry-wank in ‘Mulholland Drive’
Naomi Watts’ masturbation scene in Mulholland Drive is not bad. It’s free from all the inauthentic thrashing around that you often see in porn, and all you see is Betty (Naomi Watts) sweaty, pained expression (accurate) as she makes repetitive motions with her hand down her unbuttoned trousers. The only thing we’d change is the fact that she’s aggressively crying. I’m just not one for masturbating when I’m upset.
Naomi Watts in ‘Mulholland Drive’ in 2001.
Image: Studiocanal/REX/Shutterstock
The giant vibrator in ‘Slums of Beverly Hills’
Back in 1998, long before Russian Doll, Natasha Lyonne was already making quite the impression on screen. In Slums of Beverly Hills, Vivian (Lyonne) decides to try out her cousin Rita’s (Marisa Tomei) massive vibrator. One tip though: Try not to use other people’s sex toys.
Image: Fox Searchlight/Kobal/REX/Shutterstock
The bidet in ‘Broad City’
When it comes to portrayals of sex and masturbation, Broad City is a damn delight to watch. Free from the male gaze sex scenes of old, Abbi and Ilana have sex and masturbate like you and me. Ilana’s bidet scene was a wild, wet ride — the only note I’d give is that if she’d turned her body around to face the tap, she’d have a better chance of having an orgasm. But, hey, whatever floats your boat (or bidet).
Ilana Glazer told Out magazine what makes Broad City’s portrayals of female desire just so brilliant: “It’s like these girls are horny but not under the male gaze. They’re horny, period. Just starting from the vagina, not starting from some man looking at them.”
The ‘Black Swan’ ‘bating sesh
All too often, on-screen depictions of female masturbation show women in the same position: lying on her back with her legs spread apart. Newsflash: we don’t all masturbate in the one position. That would be pretty boring.This scene gets bonus points for showing a woman masturbating in the face-down position, which is a pretty popular position that you don’t often see in TV and movies.
Image: Fox Searchlight/Kobal/REX/Shutterstock
Aimee’s first time in ‘Sex Education’
You always remember your first time. The first time you wank, that is. When Sex Education’s Aimee Gibbs admitted that she’d never had to masturbate before, wannabe sex therapist Otis stepped in to offer up some advice. “So you’re prescribing a wank?” she asked him. Correct.
Aimee’s first time has a familiar feel to it — she tried out a bunch of different positions like she’s on a voyage of orgasm discovery. When she finally comes, she has a sudden pang of post-orgasmic hunger. We’ve all been there, Aimee.
Aimee discovers the joys of masturbation.
Image: netflix
The pillow hump in ‘The To Do List’
Aubrey Plaza stars as virginal valedictorianBrandy Klark who decides to draw up a list of sexual escapades to complete before heading off to college. In the film, we see Brandy masturbating by riding a pillow, which frankly you don’t see often enough in movies.
Aubrey Plaza and Rachel Bilson in ‘The To Do List.’
Image: Kobal/REX/Shutterstock
The dead battery in ‘Insecure’
In Season 1, episode 3 of Insecure, Issa goes to grab her vibrator only for the batteries to die pretty much immediately. Obviously, she doesn’t give up on that dream straight away, so she trawls through her apartment looking for batteries and yelling out “fuck!” when she fails to find one. It’s a highly relatable moment, to say the very least.
Issa Rae told Glamour about the significance of this moment: “In the [writers’] room we were talking about what it feels like to be thirsty and how we don’t really get to see female characters masturbate. Even in a funny way. Especially black women! So we wanted to portray that, while remaining true to our show and showing sexual frustration.”
The Obama speech in ‘Fleabag’
Anyone who’s ever masturbated with a computer in front of them will be all too familiar with the specific laptop-wobble that comes, uhh, hand in hand with the act of self-love.
In Series 1 of Fleabag, Phoebe Waller-Bridge brought us a refreshingly honest masturbation scene. Not everyone can attest to having masturbated to Barack Obama delivering a speech about democracy while their boyfriend’s asleep in the bed next to them, but this particular masturbation scene felt mundane and real. There were no writhing around or fake orgasms in this scene, just a woman wearing her pyjamas masturbating noiselessly under her duvet as her laptop moved up and down with her hand.
Puberty hits in ‘PEN15’
Puberty is rough. Especially the rush of extreme horniness that comes with it. Episode 3 of PEN15 features one of the realest depictions of teenage self-exploration ever shown on TV.
When Maya Ishii-Peters (Maya Erskine) first discovers the wonders of masturbation, she can’t stop herself from doing it all the time (who can blame her, tbh). But, Maya also feels ashamed of what she’s doing — a feeling that many of us can identify with. “I’m a pervert, and I really shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing,” she tells her friend Anna. “I’ve been putting my hands down my pants — my area — down there to feel good.”
The episode is about learning to masturbate without feeling shame — which is a rite of passage that’s not often talked about, let alone shown on our TV screens.
Iran has accused the United States of instigating an “unacceptable” escalation of tensions, as Washington pledged to continue a campaign of “maximum pressure” on the Islamic Republic.
Speaking in Tokyo on Friday, Foreign Minister Javad Zarif said Tehran would not hold talks with Washington but added it would act with caution following the recent deployment of US military units to the Gulf region.
“We believe that escalation by the United States is unacceptable and uncalled for,” he told reporters in Tokyo, where he is meeting with Japanese officials.
“[But] We exercise maximum restraint … in spite of the fact that the United States withdrew from JCPOA last May,” he added, referring to the landmark 2015 nuclear deal brokered between the Islamic Republic and several other world powers.
US President Donald Trump last year unilaterally pulled out of the agreement, which curbs Iran’s nuclear programme in exchange for sanctions relief, and reimposed punitive measures, suggesting Iran was a destabilising actor in the Middle East.
Since then, Trump’s administration has steadily ratcheted up pressure on Tehran: blacklisting Iran’s Revolutionary Guard Corps as a “terrorist group“, moving to reduce Iranian oil exports to zero and sending a US aircraft carrier and B-52 bombers to the Gulf in response to an unspecified threat.
On Wednesday, in the latest escalation, the US decided to pull all “non-essential” staff out of Iraq, which neighbours Iran, citing undisclosed “credible and possibly imminent threats”.
The moves have added to growing fears that the long-time rivals could be on course for conflict despite both sides publicly stressing they have no desire for war.
Saudi calls for ‘surgical strikes’
Amid the ongoing tensions, a Saudi Arabian state newspaper on Thursday called for “surgical” US strikes in retaliation to alleged threats from Iran, the kingdom’s regional archrival.
The Arab News published an editorial which argued that attacks earlier this week against Saudi energy targets, claimed by Iranian-backed Houthi rebels operating in neighbouring Yemen, meant thenext logical step for the US “should be surgical strikes,” without elaborating on what specific targets should be struck.
The editorial added that it was “clear” US sanctions were “not sending the right message” to the Islamic Republic, adding “they must be hit hard”.
British Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt, meanwhile, said in a tweet that London agreed with Washington’s assessment that Iran posed a “heightened threat”.
.@SecPompeo and I discussed #Iran last week in London and again in Brussels on Monday. We share the same assessment of the heightened threat posed by Iran. As always we work closely with the US
The developments came as White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders said Washington would continue its “maximum pressure” campaign on Iran, adding the White House would like to see “behavioural change” from the Islamic Republic.
Sanders also refused to respond to reports suggesting the White House has contacted Swiss officials in a bid to try and establish a communications channel with Tehran.
Instead, she said Trump was ready to respond to any show of aggression by Iran, adding: “If they take action, they’re not going to like what he does in response.”
Iran too has asserted its right to defend itself, with Zarif on Thursday describing the US pressure campaign as an “act of suicide”.
House Democrats are set to pass pieces of their sweeping campaign finance and ethics reform bill after watching it go nowhere in the Senate.
House Democrats can’t get Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to hold a vote on their biggest legislative accomplishment.
So they’re going to pass it all over again.
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House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md.) is eyeing a new strategy that would take the caucus’ signature achievement this year — a sprawling elections and government transparency bill — and break it into bite-size pieces with fresh votes on the floor, according to multiple lawmakers and aides.
The move is intended to pressure Senate Republicans into taking up House bills and underscores a desire by Democratic leadership to spotlight all the legislation that has languished on the other side of the Capitol.
“Since Senator McConnell refuses to take up H.R. 1, I am prepared to bring to the Floor and pass individual bills to address the reforms included in the For the People Act,” Hoyer said in a statement to POLITICO.
The package, which passed on a party-line vote in March, is expected to be sliced into separate pieces in the coming weeks on election security, voting rights and campaign finance.
House Democrats are eager to remind the public about a marquee proposal that some lawmakers fear has been overshadowed by the bruising shutdown battle and subsequent fights on oversight and the Mueller probe.
Separate votes would also help draw attention to little-noticed pieces of the initial bill, such as automatic voter registration or a crackdown on super PACs, which are priorities for the liberal grassroots and something some lawmakers say Democratic leaders have not done enough to promote.
Democratsare eager to hammer Senate Republicans for failing to take up ideas that have bipartisan support, like tightening the rules for TV ad disclosures or protecting state election security systems from foreign hacking.
“It’s unfortunate that the ‘grim reaper’ has chosen to conduct himself like this,” House Democratic Caucus Chairman Hakeem Jeffries (D-N.Y.) said, referring to a nickname McConnell recently gave himself for killing Democratic bills. “At the end of the day, I hope that we’ll see more responsible behavior.”
In reality, the approach has little chance of changing McConnell’s mind. The Kentucky Republican has already rejected a wide range of ideas in H.R. 1 — like overhauling the Federal Election Commission and tightening restrictions for political ads. A spokesman for McConnell declined to comment on whether any of the Democrats’ bills could come to the floor, but there’s little reason to think he’ll reverse course.
Some vulnerable Democratic freshmen are growing anxious that after five months in the majority, the House has sent no major bills — besides must-pass spending measures — to Trump’s desk.
Democrats are indeed acting on core pieces of their agenda — passing legislation to curb gun violence, tackle the gender pay gap and bolster Obamacare — but the Senate has ignored the legislation.
“There’s been a lot of talk about how, tactically, how we can reinforce this point that we have legislation that has broad support — because the elements of H.R. 1 are broadly supported — and McConnell’s not willing to give anything a fair hearing,” said Rhode Island Rep. David Cicilline, who leads the House Democrats’ messaging arm.
“We want to make sure we put some pressure on him,” Cicilline said.
At least at this point, the rank and file doesn’t blame Democratic leadership for the impasse. Asked about the fate of their bills in the Senate, most Democrats are quick to slam uncooperative Republicans in the upper chamber.
And if McConnell’s blockade continues, as is likely, Democrats are likely to make the case to voters they need a Senate majority to get anything done.
“If the Senate refuses to take it up, then that’s the issue in 2020 they’re going to have to answer for,” said Massachusetts Rep. Katherine Clark, vice chair of the House Democratic Caucus.
Still, some moderate Democrats are hopeful that some narrow proposals may make it into law — noting that while zero Republicans voted for H.R. 1 on the floor, parts of it do have bipartisan support.
Washington Rep. Derek Kilmer, who leads the centrist New Democrats Caucus, said some of the two dozen separate provisions in the legislation have already been introduced as stand-alone bills that he says could eventually move in the Senate.
That includes his own bill, the Honest Ads Act, which had 13 Democrats and 13 Republicans as co-sponsors in the previous Congress. It also has a companion bill in the Senate sponsored by Sens. Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn.), Mark Warner (D-Va.) and Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.).
“That’s something, I think, that could move,” Kilmer said. “There are those sorts of ideas — that are stand-alone bills — that I think could see some action.”
The announcement came just days after Mayor Bill de Blasio faced protesters so loud that they drowned him out when he tried to make an climate announcement at Trump Tower. | Yana Paskova/Getty Images
NEW YORK — Bill de Blasio found a way to stand out.
The 23rd candidate to enter the Democratic presidential field found a slice of the limelight by botching his carefully planned announcement rollout.
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First a high schooler in Missouri scooped de Blasio by tweeting that the New York City mayor would visit the Truman Club in Sioux City, Iowa, for the first stop on his “Presidential announcement tour,” with the club initially misspelling the mayor’s name. Then protesters appeared outside the windows as de Blasio was on nationally watched “Good Morning America” this morning for his first campaign appearance.
His announcement video quickly drew a mocking tweet from his would-be opponent President Donald Trump. The announcement came just days after de Blasio faced protesters so loud that they drowned him out when he tried to make an climate announcement at Trump Tower. All this was only after he equivocated for weeks about whether he should run as the 2020 field grew increasingly crowded.
The two-term mayor likes to point to his decisive margins of victory in the biggest U.S. city, but the perception that he is a bungler in chief was only reinforced by his rollout, which continues Friday and Saturday with travel to Iowa and South Carolina, two key early voting states.
“I’m not sure it’s sunk in yet, but he’s not competing against other ragtag campaigns,” communications consultant Eric Soufer, a managing director of Tusk Strategies, said in an email. “He’s competing against seriously staffed, deeply funded, totally professionalized operations. Those campaigns have dozens of staffers obsessed with making sure everything looks perfect for their candidate everyday. He has maybe one or two — and they’re already working overtime just to get this thing off the ground. It’s unrealistic to expect anything more from them, but the press and the voters won’t care.“
De Blasio opted to enter the race against the advice of some of his friends and advisers, one of whom called the idea “f—ing insane“ in an interview with POLITICO in March.
The people of New York City — who elected de Blasio to a second mayoral term in 2017 — are especially reticent about him running for president. In a Quinnipiac University poll released in April, only 18 percent of the city’s voters said he should run for president with 76 percent saying he should not. The respondents were uniform across political parties, gender, race age and which borough they live in, Quinnipiac said.
De Blasio has long harbored loftier ambitions than New York City Hall. He launched a federal leadership PAC called “Fairness PAC” last year to cover expenses for himself and his wife Chirlane McCray as they back liberal causes, support Democratic candidates — and likely raise the mayor’s national profile in the process.
The PAC’s creation followed a now-shuttered nonprofit he created in 2015, called the Progressive Agenda Committee. That group laid out a policy platform for liberal Democrats and aimed to try to move Hillary Clinton to the left on economic issues in the run-up to the 2016 election.
De Blasio’s effort was derided at the time by Clinton supporters and other Democrats, who wondered why de Blasio, Clinton’s former campaign manager, refused to outright endorse his former boss.
De Blasio’s day job as mayor has its challenges as well.
This week, a departmental trial began for a police officer’s role in the chokehold death of an unarmed black man — an incident that underscored the racial tensions in law enforcement in New York City.
The mayor also missed another extension to name a chairperson to lead the city’s public housing authority, which became so problematic on his watch it is now under the auspices of a federal monitor.
And on Monday, a former de Blasio fundraiser was sentenced to four years in jail for his role in a bribery scheme involving the police department.
“It’s no surprise that the mayor is learning on day 1 that running for President can’t get wedged between his mid morning workout and eating his late breakfast,” Risa Heller, chief executive of public affairs firm Risa Heller Communications, said in an email. “He’ll work out the kinks but America will groan along with New Yorkers until he does.”
One of Snapchat’s latest filters is the weirdest thing to be born on the platform since the company had us puking rainbows.
The Baby filter, which makes anyone who uses it look like a 2-year-old, is wildly fun to play with. In addition to users posting pictures of themselves as babies, they’re also putting the filter on celebrities and characters from our favorite movies and TV shows, too. I never thought I’d see the Hulk with a baby face but alas, it’s 2019 and the internet just doesn’t sleep when it comes to odd but totally necessary content.
The cast of the Avengers: Endgame as toddlers is something that cannot be unseen. You’ve been warned.
This newborn Hulk will haunt me for at least a week.
Image: Mashable/Marvel/Snapchat
Here’s Post Malone as a baby compared to a chicken nugget, naturally.
If The Office was called The Sandbox
Charles Barkley, everyone.
The Drag Race queens out of drag and in baby face
All of the Parks and Rec cast look like legit babies and I’m scared, but also want to give all of them a cup of Honey Nut Cheerios.
Same goes for the cast of Friends. Except they look like they’d be more into Fruit Loops for some reason.
Is it weird that I can still picture the Sex & The City cast sipping cosmos, even in their baby state?
I saved the best for last: Moira Rose from Schitt’s Creek. You’re welcome.
And here’s Eugene Levy for good measure.
Eugene Levy from ‘Schitt’s Creek’ with Snapchat’s Baby filter.
Image: Mashable composite/NetFlix/Snapchat
I hope these weren’t too jarring. Sometimes I think the internet just needs to grow up!
May is National Masturbation Month, and we’re celebrating withFeeling Yourself, a series exploring the finer points of self-pleasure.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but toothpaste is not a substitute for lube.
Sometimes, left to our own devices, us humans will do stupid things — especially when horny. After scouring forums on which people described their weirdest masturbating tools (a lot of plastic baggies, a lot of doll parts?), I’ve put together a handy guide for what not to use when you’re horny at home.
Homebody horndogs, this list is for you. Be careful out there.
1. Jar of peanut butter
Guys, don’t go chasing jars of Skippy. That’s just fucking nuts.
Screw the cap back on and walk away.
Image: Getty Images / Austin Benight / EyeEm
2. Vacuum
Cleaning equipment isn’t the best idea for your equipment. Depending on your vacuum, there’s potential for mangling— some have a blade right inside the tube, designed to chop larger bits and pieces so it doesn’t clog. According to The British Medical Journal, there have been numerous instances of penis-in-vacuum disasters. Also, the intense suction could leave blisters. Not to mention it’s a device used to suck dust and dirt off of your floor. Your Dyson and your Johnson aren’t friends.
Pleasure doesn’t exist in a vacuum. You can find it almost anywhere, just not here.
Image: Getty Images / Bertrand Demee
3. A knife handle
While the handle of your Mercer Culinary 10-inch Chef’s Knife might look fit for insertion, it’s not. The last thing you want to do is show up to the ER with bloody hands because you were “trying to masturbate with a knife.” Cut it out!
Perhaps a spatula would be a better option?
Image: Getty Images / mailmyworkdd
4. Anything wooden
What’s worse than a splinter? A splinter in your vagina or butthole. Don’t use any wooden items around the house— a baseball bat, a spoon, etc.— unless, of course, it’s a wooden dildo, made for the one specific purpose of pleasure. Who says men are the only ones that are allowed to sport wood? Wooden dildo makers, apparently.
Ah, nature.
Image: Getty Images / ChiccoDodiFC
5. A dog’s toy
I’d imagine that getting off with a brightly colored plastic, possibly squeaky toy would be annoying more than anything. However, in addition to bacteria, you run the risk of your dog trying to reclaim what was once theirs. Fetch yourself a vibrator.
Imagine your dog walking in on you using its toy as a dildo. The shame!
Image: Getty Images / Emilija Manevska
6. A rolled up magazine
Arguably worse than a splinter is a paper cut. Don’t risk your bits for an issue of Vanity Fair, even if Beto O’Rourke is on the cover.
You think a paper cut on your pinky is bad?
Image: Getty Images / aroax
7. Soap
PSA for anyone with genitals: soap is for cleaning, not creaming. The ingredients in a majority of body soaps aren’t intended to be dispatched inside of genitals, especially over a period of time. While you might end up with gleaming genitals, they’ll also be burning.
The face of a man with soap in his urethra.
Image: Getty Images / gilaxia
8. A toothbrush
Like many orthodontia related items, toothbrushes (especially the bristled side) are no good for achieving orgasm. After all, it’s just a stick of plastic that’s been sitting in your bathroom. In that aspect, it’s not much different from using the handle on a plunger.
You can tell she’s thinking about it. I just hope she doesn’t go through with it.
Image: Getty Images / kicsiicsi
9. Toothpaste
Your sexual organs aren’t at risk of getting cavities, so don’t let a tube of Crest anywhere near them. That cooling mint sensation? Not so cool down there.
An accurate depiction of where toothpaste is supposed to go: on a toothbrush.
Image: Getty Images / Georgijevic
10. The couch
If you live alone, go for it. But most of us don’t have a couch we can freelyhump. This can be found in the The Code of Roommates Who Don’t Jizz On Shared Furniture Handbook under clause #2872.
Yes, the robot is drinking scotch and enjoying a cigar on the couch, but at least it’s not masturbating.
Image: Getty Images / Javier Pierini
11. Peppers
I’m not sure what would compel someone to willfully use a pepper to obtain an orgasm, but if you are compelled, pause. Think about what this could do to your body. You’re (hopefully) not an arsonist, so why are you trying to burn it down there?
Don’t fall victim to a burning vagina.
Image: Getty Images / Vera Tikhonova
If you are still feeling compelled, here you’ll find a story of a 24-year-old Margaret who absentmindedly touched herself after making chili. She barely survived. But the chili was good! So there’s that.
We’ve all seen American Pie, the movie that is aptly named for its iconic scene in which actor Jason Biggs goes to town with an apple pie. No need to recreate that scenario, though. You’ll just end up with a big mess and short one perfectly good pie.
He resisted the urge to violate the pie! And now he’s enjoying a slice… on the floor!
Image: Getty Images / dtp
13. Cucumbers
I know, I know, you thought the list would end without a mention of cucumbers, the seemingly innocent phallic vegetable. While it’s probably the most tame item on this list, it’s not ideal because of the potential germs involved. The risk of bacteria just isn’t worth it. If you can get past putting a condom on a cucumber, then all the power to you.
This cucumber doesn’t seem to be in the mood.
Image: Getty Images / VladimirFLoyd
Next time you’re looking around the house for something to pleasure yourself with, just use a toy made for sexual play. Or your hand. Just make sure you wash your hands after making anything involving peppers.
Mayor Bill de Blasio’s longstanding inability to keep to a schedule speaks to a deeper chink in his political armor: He’s not just late to ribbon cuttings and memorial services. He’s late to progressive causes, too. | Michael Appleton/Mayoral Photography Office
He’s late to his own announcements. He is late to his own meetings. He sometimes keeps staffers waiting while he naps in his City Hall office.
And when, after weeks of hedging, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio confirmed Thursday he was entering a field of nearly two dozen Democratic contenders, he was late once again.
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De Blasio clocked in as the 23rd Democrat to announce a run for the presidency. In a promotional video and an announcement on Good Morning America, he cast himself as the man best suited to defeat President Donald Trump and the torchbearer of the progressive left.
“There’s plenty of money in this world; there’s plenty of money in this country — it’s just in the wrong hands,” he said in the video, repeating the same line in his interview with George Stephanopoulos.
His tardy entry into the already crowded primary underscored one of the mayor’s most enduring characteristics. But de Blasio’s longstanding inability to keep to a schedule speaks to a deeper ding in his political armor: He’s not just late to ribbon cuttings and memorial services. He’s late to progressive causes, too.
“He’s a progressive who’s very conservative,” said George Arzt, a long-time Democratic operative in New York who was press secretary to former Mayor Ed Koch. “He likes to take leftist stances, but he always is late to issues. He thinks about the issues too much before he can make a decision.”
De Blasio is late to so many things, his tardiness inspired political button maker Mort Berkowitz to make it central to a de Blasio 2020 pin, which he sold for $3 a pop at a recent charity fundraiser hosted by City Hall reporters.
“Make America Late Again,” it reads, the message superimposed on a photo of de Blasio, which is, in turn, superimposed on an analog clock.
“Those who know the mayor or who have dealings with the mayor understand it, because he tends to be late all the time,” Berkowitz said.
Last year, advocates for the poor backed a cause that seemed tailor-made for de Blasio, who ran for office railing against income inequality (in his formulation, the “tale of two cities”).
With subway and bus fares continuing to rise, and New York City cops continuing to crack down on farebeating in a racially disproportionate way, advocates called on the city to subsidize fares for low-income riders.
De Blasio’s board member at the Metropolitan Transportation Authority championed the cause. De Blasio resisted. Then, New York City Council Speaker Corey Johnson demanded de Blasio fund it if he wanted to pass a budget in 2018.
Following a good deal of wrangling, de Blasio ultimately agreed to fund the program. Today, de Blasio describes Fair Fares as “a major step towards a fairer and just society.”
But advocates for the program note that de Blasio was, per usual, late to the game.
“Fair Fares started moving in a serious way when Corey Johnson got involved,” said Nick Sifuentes, who helped spearhead the Fair Fares campaign when he was deputy director at the Riders Alliance.
On other issues relating to poverty, de Blasio has been similarly behind-the-ball.
As the city’s public advocate with an eye on Gracie Mansion, he was initially hesitant to back legislation that would mandate certain companies receiving city subsidies pay a “living wage” to workers. He eventually came around and used his support of the issue to go after then-City Council Speaker Christine Quinn, whom he would go on to defeat in the mayor’s race.
Chalk it up to prolonged deliberation or finger-in-the-wind political prognosticating, but Fair Fares and living wage are but two of a raft of progressive causes where the mayor has followed the progressive vanguard in the Democratic party, rather than lead it.
He was late to join the progressive effort to guarantee paid sick leave for New York City workers.
“The paid sick campaign started in NYC as early as 2008 and 2009, and [de Blasio] was not vocal or visible on the issue until later,” emailed a Democratic operative who worked on the paid sick leave campaign.
It was only after activists and other politicians backed him into a corner that he came around to embracing the costly proposal to replace the jail with four smaller ones throughout the city.
He now boasts of the goal in his speeches as evidence of his action on criminal justice reform — a far cry from calling it a “noble” but impractical idea when then-City Council Speaker Melissa Mark-Viverito seized it as one of her causes.
He came late to marijuana legalization — only reluctantly agreeing with the popular progressive cause in December after his political adversary, Gov. Andrew Cuomo, indicated that he would pursue legalization at the state level, making it seem a fait accompli.
His resistance to tacking too far left on policing — he opposes loosened enforcement of turnstile jumpers for instance — is an inevitable reaction to a feud with police officers that threatened to overtake his first term in office. But it has nevertheless put him at odds with some who voted him into office on his promise of police reform.
“The mayor I endorsed in 2013 is not the mayor I’ve seen lately,” said Public Advocate Jumaane Williams earlier this year when he was running for his current office, referring to the mayor’s record on policing and housing.
Congestion pricing — charging drivers a fee to enter Manhattan’s busiest areas to cut down on traffic and pollution — seemed a clear cause to champion for a left-leaning liberal. But de Blasio followed the same pattern: resistance until its inevitability overwhelmed him, followed by belated acceptance.
For most of the years that environmentalists and transportation advocates had been pushing for congestion pricing, de Blasio had called it a “regressive” tax. After the governor endorsed the effort and it looked like a legislative certainty, de Blasio came around.
“If you look at congestion pricing, some people would say it’s the biggest progressive accomplishment in New York City in a very long time,” said Nicole Gelinas, a transportation expert at the right-leaning Manhattan Institute. “He had a very small role in that.”
Observers note that it didn’t have to be this way. The mayor started his first term in office with a bang, fulfilling his ambitious commitment to establish universal pre-Kindergarten across the city. Since then, they lament, he’s lost that sense of momentum.
“[He has] the worst case of senioritis I’ve ever seen,” said Fordham University political science professor Christina Greer. “I’d be much more empathetic with the mayor if he was losing interest and it’s July, August of 2021, where a campaign is in full swing, he’s a lame duck, I’d understand that. But it seems as though he lost interest in the job shortly after he got reelected, and we just have a lot going on in the city.”